When Cutting Ties with your Rapist means Losing a Friend

You offer your forgiveness time after time
You say you’re doing it for yourself, for your own peace of mind
You can’t imagine going forward any other way
You’re at a loss of how anger would feel or what angry would say
You barely have it in you to call him out on what he did
There’s so many excuses, and you were only kids
And he was troubled and he’s sorry and he says he always cared
The thought of any other truth just wouldn’t even dare
He was your friend and that’s what’s made this whole thing so hard
And if you could only hate him, he agreed, you could be so much less scarred
But he sat on information that would justify your hate
He kept you close enough that he could keep getting away
And you knew you felt confused about the many things he said
You knew it seemed not genuine, you felt he lied, and yet
You continued to defend him like he had nothing left to hide
You continued feeling sympathy for the things he had inside
He continued to pretend to be sorry like he always did before
He omitted the apologies because you didn’t know there should be more
So you continued down your path to heal from all he had destroyed
And you continued as you always did pushing away the inner voice
The one that says you shouldn’t trust him and you know he hasn’t changed
the one that maybe could have told you your forgiveness came from being afraid
Because if you couldn’t forgive him that would make it so much worse
Because you know you always forgive too much and you always  forgive first
Because you choose to keep on trusting since it’s easier to pretend
That you know the kind of people who lie, and you don’t make them your friend
But the truth you know now more than ever is that you just don’t know
And trust is an illusion to make believe you’re comfortable
You know that you can never know who people are at all.
So you never knew who he was. He doesn’t care how far you fall.

(c.11.5.2016)

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