November 13, 2016, 11:18 am — Day Before My Formal Statement

(The detective let me know he had finished his preliminary review of all the evidence and our conversation and invited me to come in for a formal statement. I didn’t realize I would be needed again. He said after the formal statement they would reach out to my friend who knew when the incident happened that the two of us had been together, and at that point they would reach out to my rapist to see if he would make a statement. It brought me peace knowing what the next steps were. It was unfortunate I would need to make the trip again and this time having to take a day off of work to do it. I had to use my vacation time for this.)

 

Serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. Wisdom to know the difference.

The most upsetting thing in my life right now is not that we have elected Donald Trump. That makes me feel even more detached from the people around me than I already was. I can’t change this. I can’t change how I’m upset. I can’t change that I’ve learned that he was nothing but a rapist after I spent five years tortured by a need to defend him and believe in him. I can’t change how I was one of his victims and I can’t change that I’m just realizing it now. I can’t change the amount of time that elapses between communication between the detective handling my case or the people in my life. I can’t change their schedules. I can’t make their decisions.

I can and did choose how to speak up. I can choose to respect the people around me and what they think they can offer. I can change my story by reporting. I can do everything I can to provide evidence and honesty. I can change how lonely I feel by choosing not to be afraid to ask for help, to ask to be seen. I can choose to try again when I don’t get what I need.

I can’t change how people react. I can’t change the outcome of the investigation, or the grand jury, or the trial. I can’t. I can choose to accept it. I can choose freedom. I will choose freedom.

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