November 15, 2016, 5:36 pm — Waiting to Hear What’s Next

(My formal statement was similar to the first statement, but this time there was someone on qwerty keyboard typing verbatim what I was saying, and I was more guided by questions now that the detective knew the story. It wasn’t particularly hard to tell the story in this format because there was guidance, and if I had any questions I could simply ask the detective. It wasn’t a deposition or anything like that. It still felt conversational and I felt very much that the detective was there to help me. After we finished I had to read the statement, make any edits or additions with my initials, and sign every page. Reading it back was harder than telling it verbally. For a while after I thought about what I should’ve said different or forgot to mention. It was an overwhelming thing to do and there are things that I left out.

At this point I knew the next step was him reaching out to my friend, E, to take her statement, but I had no sense of when this would happen.)

Status update. I’m doing fine as long as I’m not thinking about [rapist’s name] or the investigation. When I’m thinking about it I can’t stop and I can’t focus and I feel fear and guilt. I can’t stop picking my hair to escape. I can’t figure out how to distract myself, and I am so much more easily reminded of everything than I was before. All of my energy is being devoted to not breaking down and calling the detective or [rapist’s name]. I can’t think of who else can help.

I got two rush interrogations to transcribe (I’m a court reporter; I was assigned to produce transcripts of two police interrogation videos). I can’t stop imagining [rapist’s name] as the defendant. It made me horrified, viscerally. It is a scary thought. I wonder what he will say. It’s very hard to deal with my own impatience.

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