My friend Mike told me I should post something positive. I’m going to give it a try.
Obviously I have been highlighting the struggles in my life that I’ve been silent about, and breaking that silence is positive in ways. But it’s unpleasant and uncomfortable, and it wouldn’t be accurate to portray my life as this horrible nightmare, even though some days it does feel like that.
But it’s not. I’ve been extremely blessed, lucky, privileged. I am relatively intelligent. I’ve worked hard, and a combination of all of that has led me to be living a comfortable and often happy life at a young age.
So because Mike told me to and as a reminder to myself and for anyone who is currently struggling in ways they can relate to me or in their own way, I want to take this time to acknowledge some of the wonderful things about this chaotic life of mine.
I have parents who are financially well off and have supported me when they didn’t necessarily trust the direction I was taking my life. I have been able to prove their doubts wrong and make them proud. I have always had them to look up to and admire; I am gifted with knowing of their stories and their struggles from the past while seeing their happiness, success, and freedom on a daily basis.
I have a sister who didn’t give up on me when I resented her and because of her acceptance and love has afforded me the great opportunity of her friendship, which is one of the most treasured things in my life.
I have a great, diverse family, imperfect and dramatic but undeniably entertaining and doused with love for each other.
Even though I have lost many friends, each and every person I ever cared for has a place in my heart and has made me better in some way.
I have been fortunate to have a handful of everlasting, insightful, honest, deep friendships with incredible humans who have stuck by me, kept me afloat, laughed so much with me, taught me things I couldn’t have learned from my own life experience, and made me make the most of my own.
I have a brain that, aside from all the mental illness, is damn good. It is creative, quick, capable. It is so efficient that even in the worst of times it has found a solution.
I have had the pleasure and honor of seeing some breathtaking places on this planet.
I have been able to work the most fulfilling job I could have asked for, teaching yoga at a drug rehab, where I made a difference and contributed what I could to alleviate an issue I care so much about.
Though so much of my life has been lived feeling like I don’t belong and had no sense of home, at 21 I became a homeowner in a city I belong in, in a home I love, with a career I love, and I know that in the future the time I spent feeling lost will be a blip in the past.
I have hobbies like running, yoga, cycling, seeing musicals, writing, making art, that I actively make time for, and I am realizing more and more how valuable and not necessarily common that is as an adult.
Though I am no where near perfectly physically healthy and have ailments that affect my everyday life, I have two legs and two arms that support me in all I wish and need to do to live the life I want to live. And overall, I am living the life I want to live, and at the end of the day, there’s little more I could hope for than to be able to say that.
Even though on so many days my mind and my life feel like a prison cell that I will never leave and never forget, the very real truth is I am free, so free. Even though I live with depression, so often I am happy. I am loved. And I love so much.
I am in love with a dude who loves me and makes me laugh and comfortable. We have shared all the emotions in my repertoire.
I have hope for so much of my future. I have goals and ambitions. I will finish my book one day. Someday my partner and I will grow our family by adopting more babies (cats, maybe a dog). Someday I will get all of my coworkers, every last one of them (even the ones who work for the state, not the city!!!), to participate in my lunchtime yoga class where we will take over the park behind our building!
While it’s true that I also have a lot of heavy struggles without feasible solutions and cause me pain I’m tired of feeling, and besides that I have random breakdowns where all the bad stuff really gets to me and makes me ask what I did to deserve a life like this, there is also so much good in my life that makes me ask the same thing: “What did I do to deserve so much good?”
My life is messy. It’s painful. It’s beautiful. It’s versatile. It’s mine. And though I often don’t believe it, it is just getting started.