Tomorrow is March 6th, aka the anniversary of the day my virginity got raped away. As much as I wish I could forget such specifics, I can’t. Every day of the year when I find myself having a particularly rough time of dealing with the worst parts of my past, I wish I could hit the on/off switch and get back to business. But sometimes things in this life trigger old memories that get remembered in the form of flashbacks, and on March 6th, the date itself is its own trigger.
This year will be the first March 6th I’m able to express that it is a hard day for me to live through. It always is. I am grateful to be able to write this publicly instead of to myself, and this in itself I expect will slightly subdue my despair tomorrow.
I’m not sure exactly the purpose of this post. Usually when I hit the publish button it’s for a combination of hoping my words will connect with others who have gone through similar emotions and help in whatever way they can as well as letting me express my own story, but I think this one is just for me and every version of me the past six damn years, to celebrate my own progress, to mourn the time I’ve lost to this, and to share what I’ve wished I could before.
So in honor of myself, here are the words I wrote to comfort myself last year, when I was the only one who knew I needed it:
fifth march sixth
The fifth March sixth since we started it
And I’m falling asleep just writing this
Cuz you’ve kept me up all night for the past five years
That would bring any woman to tears.
It’s the fifth March sixth since we ended it
And I’m only getting more tired and sick
And I’m just holding on to the logicless hope
I’ll somehow remember more the more time goes.
Like 2011, it’s sunny and nice
It’s a beautiful Sunday, you wouldn’t think twice
If you didn’t know better, it’d be just a day,
If you only knew better, you’d send him away.
It’s five years today since I learned how to be
Still and silent in uncomfortability,
Since I thought I learned what it’s like to get
This thing people love, are they meant to regret?
Five years ago since the last truth I told
For the next three months five years ago…
It was true. And there was always more
But those words haven’t been earned by the whore.
Five years ago I told the first lie
I did want to believe it would be the last time
But it wasn’t and I wish I could tell you why.
That day was the first of many risks that almost changed my life
When I see children, I think how mine would be five.
And I think about what I’ve finally got here
My friends, my runs, my love, my career.
Five years ago I could never have guessed
What a future I had even though I’m depressed.
I would never have learned just how much I let go
At least I’m happy I made it here to know.
But today I remember how hard I cried
When he finally got out of inside.
Today I remember the first time it burned
And stabbed and shamed and God how it hurt.
I remember him telling me to hold still and spread wide
Fearing inadequacy, I obliged.
Today it’s like the last five years might as well didn’t happen
Today was the only time I didn’t let him BACK in
Cuz today he entered for the very first time
Today was another day I wished to die
On account of him for the very first time.
Today I realized it’s hard to say no
To someone you trusted a few weeks ago
Today I stopped believing in anything
Today I stopped caring what my choices might bring
Today I lost my voice and my pride
Today I for once stopped wondering why.
Today I finally shut off my brain
Because leaving it on my would’ve been more insane.
Today I got rid of a label that didn’t change anything
And I guess I got a few new ones, and they all sting.
Today is today no matter what the year
Today wherever you are and wherever I am, you’re right here.
Your arms are holding my legs apart
Your wallet is holding an unused condom to start
I notice your fingers so long and how strange are men’s thighs
That’s about all I can take before I close my eyes.
But I feel your strange lips and the stubble by your mouth
It’s a childhood nightmare you know you’ll never oust.