The provider starts by explaining what her offerings are. She already knows why I’m here. There is relief that I don’t need to explain it. She gives me some options. She makes it so clear that I should tell her if I want anything to change, if anything is uncomfortable, makes it clear that I don’t need justification or permission. It makes me emotional recognizing how much it helps me to be told that it’s okay for me to have the opinion that something’s not working for me. It’s so easy to just have that conversation. I wish the rest of the world worked this way. Maybe at least having it reinforced here will make it easier for me to speak up in the world as it is.

We start with breathing and mindfulness. She guides me through with gentle touch. Later we move more into massage.

Afterwards I feel more in touch with how out of touch and tense I am. I am not necessarily more relaxed or grounded but I am more able to perceive the tension and disconnect. I am self-aware but not self-integrated; it is not comfortable. I am overwhelmed, but that I can feel and name the feeling overwhelm I think is me successfully practicing mindfulness and being present. I AM overwhelmed.

The provider mentioned how my gap in racing could be an opportune timing to focus on healing. To slow things down. To allow myself to be connected to myself not just in motion but in stillness. My first reaction is I don’t have time. I have to work. But doing this program is me taking time from work, recognizing I need time from work, embracing the reality that I am not able to work in the way I want to, need to, or expect to.

My homework is this:

NOTICE how things feel
like how water feels on skin in the shower
the shampoo bubbles
notice the temperature, the air in the car
PRACTICE breathing
send the light through the body
if not light try sending warmth
PRESENT.