My High School Pregnancy Scare.

This whole thing I’ve been sharing about for years now has a lot of layers. All of it is hard to talk about. Some things are harder to talk about than others. This one is particularly hard.

I’m not even really sure why. I think there’s a lot of shame and embarrassment surrounding it for multiple reasons, one of which being I feel stupid.

I was never pregnant. But I believed I was. He wanted me to believe that. I think he maybe wanted me to BE that, too. I feel embarrassed that I believed that, and even more embarrassed that he so clearly did not care if he ruined my life by impregnating me and I just didn’t see that at all. But that is less embarrassing than him raping me and me not being able to see that at all, so I don’t know why this particular thing gets me so much.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t really talked about it. So here we are.

I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to share. When I think about my abuse through the lens of the pregnancy scare a bunch of jumbled up memories come up in my mind all at once and I’m not sure how to organize them into something more cohesive. Sorry if this doesn’t make a lot of sense.

He didn’t use protection most of the time. I wasn’t on birth control. After the first rape I didn’t get my period again for a long time.

He told me what to do. Things I didn’t want to do. Decisions that weren’t his to make.

“You’re probably pregnant anyway,” he said when not using condoms later.

He was my friend. But he told me he wouldn’t help me with the baby.

He wouldn’t let me tell anyone that anything was even happening between us, let alone that I might be pregnant. As far as my other friends knew I was a virgin and nothing unusual was going on with me. I thought I was pregnant and had no one to talk to. Until he finally let me tell the person he chose. After a month of this.

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A month of isolation and fear and rape. Enough time to really fuck a person up before you risk having a witness. How nice of him, to let me have a friend of his choosing.

I tried to imagine how I would face those hallways with a big pregnant belly. I remember picturing having to walk into my anatomy class filled with mostly seniors and the whispers I would try to ignore. Looking back, it is amazing I had this particular visual, because even at the end of the year I would have likely not even been showing at all, certainly not that much, but my brain was so fucked it never realized that. Those seniors would all have been graduated by the time I would have had to worry about being known as the pregnant girl.

But I had that visual. I thought what each of my teachers would think. How ashamed they would be. How disappointed. My family. Everyone. Me.

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I wasn’t eating a lot at the time, but one day I made a delicious meal with my mom and grandma. That day I realized how much I loved cilantro. I did not restrict my portion size, and I remember texting him that the baby must be happy. That nonexistent baby gave me a reason to eat.

I was pro-life. He wanted me to get an abortion. Reminder that I wasn’t actually pregnant, yet these are conversations we had. So he punched me in the stomach to try to abort it himself. And he laughed. And we had negative pregnancy tests but also he continued to not use protection so who knows. He birth-control-punched me and laughed. In the past he had punched me hard enough to leave bruises on my body but “as a joke.” I was supposed to believe this was a joke too, but also for my own good I guess, because I felt too guilty to have an abortion but also didn’t want to be a teen mom so I guess he was just looking out for me really. If you think about it, it was my fault he hit me because he wouldn’t have had to do that if I just would have an abortion.

I don’t want to make this political, rape is not political. I want to establish that he knew I was pro-life back then, but I also feel uncomfortable saying that now because I do not identify as pro-life anymore. So there you go. Disclaimer to me saying: I know for a fact that he knew in 2009 that I was pro-life because we worked together on a paper in history class about abortion.

So I should have seen that if he really cared he would take the minimal amount of precaution to not impregnate his pro-life friend.

I hate that I didn’t see that. I picture his lawyer using this against me someday if I should be so lucky to have a day in court. Using it against me that I was so stupid I believed that someone who did that was my friend. Just like I was so stupid to believe he punched me as a joke.

Maybe I’m just stupid. Maybe I wasn’t raped, and I’m just some idiot who doesn’t understand that trying to keep my legs together to prevent him from penetrating me was actually consent. I’m afraid someone will take that sentence out of context.

I’m afraid to talk about this also because I’m afraid of how it will be used against me.

I didn’t get to talk about this at the time. And I don’t have any memory of getting to talk about it later, either. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to talk about this.

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I thought I was pregnant, and I imagined the whole rest of my life as if I had been. I felt so ashamed. I thought I had a bright future, and I felt it was gone. It was terrifying. I felt so alone. So scared. So helpless. So much responsibility I felt I had no choice but to take on, for the child I thought I was having.

The pregnancy scare was another distraction from the real problem. It was another mindfuck. It was another way for him to demonstrate to himself the power he had over my thoughts. It was another way for him to justify why I felt as bad as I did.

Here’s how fucked up I was: my refusal to abort our nonexistent child was one of the only things he wanted from me that I successfully resisted. That was the best evidence of my own strength that I had. And I wrote about that back in 2011. It’s hard for me to think about this. It’s hard for me to talk about it. But I want to share this. I want to share what I couldn’t when I really needed to:

Almost for Nothing
I’ve been drowning in my own self-induced pain
I’ve been using everything as a chance to complain
I’ve been looking in mirrors every day and night
I’ve convinced myself to forget wrong and right
I’ve made countless mistakes through this impulsive guilt
And turned my back on the consequences I built

But you gave me a chance
You gave me a reason to change
You made me remember
That there’s more to life than pain

And, God, you made me so afraid
Almost threw my life away
Almost cried myself to sleep
Almost forgot that I am weak
Cuz you made me stand by what I believe
You almost brought the best of me
I almost chose to live for you
Almost saved myself for you
Just about to give into you
When I found out that you were nothing, too

Losing sight of reality
With no responsibility
Carelessly throwing around a thousand curses
I thought you were real and that gave me a purpose
I knew that I loved you and that was alright
Cuz it’s all that I’ve felt in a long, long time
I thought I could tell who you were gonna be
I thought through the end I felt relief
Cuz though you just might have ruined my life
I had done that myself, but you made it alright

And, damn, you made me so afraid
Almost threw my life away
Almost cried myself to sleep
Almost forgot that I am weak
Cuz you made me stand by what I believe
You almost brought the best of me
I almost chose to live for you
Almost saved myself for you
Just about to give in to you
When I found out that you’re nothing, too

How can I go back to a time when I didn’t know?
How am I supposed to forget what it felt like, go back to laughing at those jokes?
How can I ever get better if all I can do is pretend?
How can I find renewed hope when I know how that will end?
How can I ever talk again when it can’t be the truth?
And how can I just let go of everything that I thought was you?

Cuz babe you made me so afraid
Almost threw my life away
Hope that now it’s just too late
Hope I’ll still believe I’m strong today
Because I stood by what I believe
And I know there’s a better me
And I guess I chose to live for you
And even though you’re nothing, too
That doesn’t mean that I can’t be
Everything I need to be
And what I know is what that means
Is I have to save me for me”

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