When someone you trust and love starts to rape you, the first thing your mind does is curse you for messing this up. After your mind has already established this is your fault, it desperately tries to explain what exactly it is you did wrong, how you sent these signals that led your best friend to believe this is what you wanted. When someone you love and trust starts to rape you, the last place your mind would ever go is to believe that someone you have such a long and good history with would suddenly try to hurt you, certainly not rape you.

He couldn’t rape you. He’s your friend. Friends don’t rape you.

So you put the microscope on the only thing that makes sense: this is your fault. What did you do wrong. And you think when he commented on your boobs you should have told him that was inappropriate, but you didn’t. And you think when he told you about his sex life you should’ve known he wanted you to know about it first hand.

You sent these messages. You wore those short shorts and that little tank top. When he kissed you for the first time last week you wore that strapless dress you loved that you knew made you look good; you should’ve known he was looking at you. You should’ve known he’s a man and he’s horny and he couldn’t care for you as deeply as you knew he did and it only be platonic. You made these mistakes. You clearly led him on. This is your mess.

You should’ve put a stop to it after that weird cuddle thing that day that made you feel like he had cheated, but instead you let him tell you it happened because he thought you were beautiful and you even liked the way it felt to hear that. You really should’ve known that meant he would expect sex in two weeks.

If you were smarter you would’ve known that, so you just aren’t smart enough. Are you really going to admit to him you didn’t see this coming? Are you really going to tell him you don’t want him when he’s telling you how special you are to him?

You also know you’re not that pretty, certainly not prettier than his girlfriend, and you definitely know you’re not that nice, since you’re the whore here, so would you really dream of betraying him by telling anyone about this? Then everyone would think he’s a bad person and you know he’s not: you are. He feels so bad, and you see that, but you’re so special to him, he says again and again, that he can’t resist you.

You’re so lucky to have someone you care so much for regard you so highly, believe you’re so worthy he’s risking his perfect relationship to be with you. You wouldn’t dare consider going against his orders not to tell. Sure, you really wish he would allow you to, so you continue to ask him for permission to tell this person or that, but you cannot betray him.

He would never betray you, just look at how nicely he compliments you, and he knows how much it means to you to hear it. He’s doing you a favor by saying those things. They’re probably not even true; after all, he knows how actually not nice you are to allow him to cheat, how selfish you are to permit such an affair, and still he thinks the world of you, he keeps telling you that. And who else, now, after what you’re doing, will ever feel that way about you? Who else will ever want to touch you, knowing what a slut you are?

Especially when you’re so bad at sex. You don’t even do anything. You just lie there, you suck so bad, you can’t even keep your legs apart. You’re not even fun, even he insinuates it. He even tells you you’ll be celibate after him, probably because he knows you’re that undesirable to anyone but him. How could you stop him now, when this will be the only sex you’ll ever have, after he’s told you how important and awesome sex is and based on every TV show ever that seems to be the truth?

The one good thing left about you is that anyone wants to have sex with you. If you stop now you’ll be nothing. Absolutely nothing. And he has been so good to you in the past and up until now and you need him. He’s the only one who you can talk to. The only one who understands. He’s everything to you now because he’s the only thing that’s good about you. Everything you do from here on out will be to please him; it’s all you’re good for and all you’ll ever be good for.

That is the explanation that makes the most sense, at the time, and for a while.

For some of us it takes years and years, it takes a full separation, to finally understand that yes, as you’ve always known, friends don’t rape you, so when friends rape you, it doesn’t mean it isn’t rape, it means they’re not your friend.